I need to be inspired....

I am just having a "blah" kind of day. Nothing really for it. I am not depressed or anything, just not amused, bemused or any kind of mused. I am really tired though. I got up at 4:45am after laying on toddler limbs all night (thanks again Livvy!) and went to the gym to "run" (read: Walk a lap, run a lap, hyperventilate, then repeat) so I am pretty wore out despite my having taken a diet pill a couple of hours ago. I just feel zombified from lack of decent sleep and abundance of pills making me generically wired. I think I need a break. I am impressed though that I did my mile in 15 mins and this really fit guy at work said he "ran" (read: REALLY ran, no hyperventillating I am sure...) a mile and a half in 16 mins. Now, granted, that is 1/2 mile more than me and 1 min more, but still, it's a decent margin!

I am in a "hurry up and wait" phase at work, meaning I just finished a big project and have yet to hear if it's ok or not which is obnoxious. I didn't expect any different though to be honest.

My other blog is locked. Apparently blogger thought it was a spam blog. I have no idea why. It didn't list any websites in it. I requested them to unlock it 2 days ago and nothing so far. Punks!

I am really focusing heavily on a lot of things right now. Just sorting them out. Mostly finances. We have been studying them at church, so it's been on my mind and man, it is SO hard. I have lived my entire life being selfish and totally greedy. It has always been about me. Me, me, me. If I chose to give anyone anything, it still benefited me. Now I pay. We are in a crunch. Mostly because you just can't ignore things your whole life (take that as a lesson kids!) and I think my "adulthood" is really just starting to settle in on me. I am not 18 anymore, I am 28 and we have a KID! And a mortgage, and a ridiculously high car payment....Not to mention the laundry list of other responsibilities! I mean, it could be worse. Statistically, most folks my age carry 16.9 credit cards and have an average of $66k in CONSUMER debt. That is scary. I am not NEARLY that bad off thank the Good Lord, but to me, what I do have to worry about is too much. I don't WANT a credit card. I know us and it's too tempting. I want to be able to pay cash for things but OH I am so bad at saving. When I have money, it's like I have a wallet full of "happy" and I just can't hold onto it, so I accrue CRAP. Which is exactly what it is. Junk that I.do.not.need. Junk that Liv and Jason don't need. Why do I do this? I think it's a reassurance. Of what I don't know, but I know it feels good to have the power to spend. I wish it didn't. I wish someone would poke me with a cattle prod everytime I swiped my debit card.

Ugh. Heavy, heavy.

I am also thinking of several people. Some I know in real life, some I don't. I am worried about Shelly. This Saturday is the anniversary of Bob's death. I hope she does ok. I have this overwhelming urge to just make it better, but I don't know how. I have been praying for her a lot and thinking of her. I was crying last night with the reality of getting into bed every night and Jason just NOT being there. It just would never make sense to me. This woman is absolutely amazing. She totally took care of him until the day he died and was SO strong and still is. Even with her kids and their drama, she keeps it together and is a total inspiration of strength and love. I just want her to have peace.

I have also been following a blog of a lady that posts on a board I used to frequent. She had a baby about 10 days ago that was born with Trisonomy 18. The baby shouldn't have lived. Most die in birth, but she lived! A true miracle! Her story is just amazing. You can read it at: http://darcyanne.weebly.com/index.html Her parents made a list of things for her to do in what they knew would be her short life. Like a bucket list. They have so far done all but one and that was to take the baby to church. She actually died and was revived by CPR 3 times last Saturday night, the night before her first church service. She made it back every time! Amazing! They held church for her in her home that Sunday. Such a brave little girl. She is awesome. I just wish peace on her parents because she won't make it much longer.

Let's see----What other depressing things can I write about?? lol

Livvy is being Livvy. Does anyone have tips on how to better control my toddler? Seriously! The whining is killing me. She won't go to sleep without a fight, won't stay in her bed all night and wakes up being a grump! Now let me pause and say that is absolutely a rant, and even though I am frustrated, I love that I have the rant to give. I cherish her every breath. I need perspective. Lord I know I do....

Jason is being Jason. We got into a nice big ole fight last Friday. It was a doozy kids. Not of the loud variety, but of the emotional. It brought up some things that needed brought up and needed resolved, but it was tough. It seems ok now. We are working on it. Mending and all that. I do love him so much and my world wouldn't ever be complete without him. I am glad that we have the ability to communicate well with one another.

I am just at a catalyst right now. So many conflicting emotions. So many questions. I have been going to church a lot and studying the bible a lot. At first I had this unreal peace. Like a high on my soul like all was good/forgiven/healed etc... and it was SO good. Now I still feel that goodness, but it is clouding with doubt. Not in God, but in ME. Am I doing this right? Will I ever quit some of these things I know I should not do (smoke, cuss, etc). Will I ever have the pride and just complete rawness to denounce others that don't love God or to push away things and people who interfere with my belief? I want that. I really do. I just don't know. It's SO easy to just comprimise myself and my morals to "fit in" and not stir the pot, but I know there are a lot of things, people and situations that I am better avoiding. I think this all goes back into my greed and my tendency to indulge myself in things that make me happy. Pastor Chris pointed out last night that in order to really correct ourselves in most areas that we will be miserable for a time and that we will have to "deny ourselves". I need to meditate on that and get it into my thick head. I would be better off for it. I am just feeling totally negative! I want my good attitude back!!!!

I know a lot of what I need to do to right most of these things, however most of it is easier said than done! Don't spend money, don't overextend my obligations, spend more time at home and with my family, eat less, drink less, smoke less, cuss less, work on my house (spiritually and figuritively...) and just FOCUS on the good in everything. I will try. Pray for me though, I need it!

Love-

Manda