Battle of the Buldge, er, I mean Binge.....

GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ok, now that that is over, I feel a bit better. Damned cookie. Damned tiredness.

Ok, I will enlighten you all with my plight.

Hello, my name is Amanda and I am a "binge eater".

Ever since I was little, my dad seemed to be in a pissing contest with his siblings. I can remember my mom telling me if my grandma asked me where I got my shirt (yardsale) to tell her my other Granny got it for me at Parisian. Don't worry that the t shirt had "Florida" airbrushed accross the front! Good grief! Anyhoo, his family always seemed, well, no, they just were, more well to do than we were.

My parents worked their asses off to make ends meet. My dad worked overtime, double time, 2 jobs, whatever it took to keep us afloat and at the same time struggled within himself because he wasn't like his sisters or brother-who seemed to be effortlessly beautiful and wealthy.

My sister and brother had brains in spades. They both made A's and were naturally artistic, but also born with chemical embalances that landed them both in Childrens Hospital.

I guess it was hard. Whatever though-I am the type of person that allows most trauma roll right off her back. Or do I? When dad used to get on me about my weight or eating, what did I do? Hole up in my room and eat donuts out of the chest with the carousel horses on it. We hid them there from him along with a vast assortment of other sweets and treats. Mom let us do it. It was her nature to nurture, so nurture she did. I now to some degree do the same thing, so far be it from me to hate on her for pacifying her kids when they hurt. She didn't know any better.

So fastforward to adulthood. Dad died. I was 17. 2 days after prom. Mom wakes us up at 3 am to say that something is wrong with him and to get up. I remember running in there in my PJ's to find him completely pale and unconsious. He was dead. I didn't know it at the time. We slapped, mom tried CPR, I waited desparate in the night for the EMT's to come. It took forever. They got there and cleared us out. I remember standing in that trailer in the early morning and seeing them hit his chest with the difribulator pads. Flat. Nothing. I remember them asking mom if he'd had a heart attack before. No, but he did have a double bypass 2 years prior.

So they rushed him to the ER. I drove us all up there. My aunt, my husband (then boyfriend), my Granny and Pop, and my best friend came with us. They put us in a separate room to wait. After about 30 mins they came in and pronounced him DOA. There was nothing they could do. I ran. I just wanted out. Pop caught me and held me up. The weeks after are a blur. I graduated, me and Valerie moved out, I got a job, Jason and I got engaged, mom remarried, Jason and I got married, we moved again, bought another trailer, Valerie got married, Troy went to college.....All these things happened. Without him.

One thing that stayed constant as far as a connection with my dad goes is the fact that I continued to eat. And eat and eat and eat. And lie about eating. And hide my eating. And eat for no reason. And eat in the middle of the night. As much as I could, for no reason.

I also grew. I grew and I grew until this year I reached my all time weight high. A number so shameful, that I don't even wanna type.

I was and am over it. I decided enough was enough and took steps to improve. I went and still go to the gym regularly. I log what food I ate and felt better. 30 lbs melted off like butter in a hot pan. I was happy and proud! As the confidence lifted, the anxiety increased. I became tired. SO tired. I slacked. Old habits came back stronger than ever and before I knew it, I am eating again and beating myself up again.

So now I know. I am a binge eater. I have an eating disorder.

I made an appt with my doc last Friday. He doubled my Lexapro. Big whoop. I called back today to see if he would do some labs because I am BEYOND the point of being sleepy. I am just EXHAUSTED. So I have that and an appt with a psychiatrist on the 14th to delve further. I will keep this blog to report changes, feelings, meds, whatever. I hope everyone out there in blog land who is tired and overweight and has an unhealthy obsession with food will find this and hopefully it will help someone else.

Thanks for listening. Signing off.