I wonder sometimes....

Where my life is really going.

I have a husband, a child, a home, a job, etc... but really, what all am I set out to accomplish? Am I truly happy? I guess so.

I hate antidepressants for that phrase right there. I don't feel "passionate" about anything right now. I feel like I am muddling through life, doing "enough" but not more than I could. What can I do right now to make life "great"?

I pondered all of this in church last night. I looked around at all the happy couples. Holding hands, praying together, laughing together, then you have me and Jason. (Yes, he did come...) He is standing there like a staue. Completely unaware of what he should be getting from that experience. Only there to avoid what he thought would be a hellacious guilt trip and to please me. That made me so sad. I just wish he would open his mind to the beauty and glory that can be handing your life over to God. I am not a bible thumper, but I don't have an earthly Father anymore. I like knowing that someone is watching over me now. I have lost every man, with the exception of Jason, that made me feel safe in my life and I need him to raise up and hold me sometimes. I need him to walk with me, love with me, laugh with me, cry with me, pray with me.....I just need him with me. He wasn't with me last night. He was in body, but not in spirit.

Pastor Chris gave a wonderful talk as usual about being "authentic" in our lives. Don't half do it, go all out if you're gonna give it any effort at all. That's what I have been meditating and thinking about since last night and hopefully, I can figure that out for me in my life, my marriage, my motherhood, sisterhood, friendships and being a daughter. I want to give those that I love 100% of me.

I hope I give you all enough. With love,

Amanda